See ya, self-doubt! Always bet on yourself

Words to live by: Always bet on yourself.


If you're not willing to place the bet on yourself, why even go to the starting line? You may as well place your money on someone else and not even show up. If you're going to the starting line, be in it to win it.


I came across this phrase recently and it has become my running mantra. (For more on mantras, check out Runner's World's recent article, "The Magic of Running Mantras" -- great read! http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-238-244--13819-1-1-2,00.html) I've been working a lot on positive self-talk and this phrase has become my go-to in the middle of tough workouts or when I'm slogging through my second run of the day. Being an emerging elite runner and pursuing my athletic goals isn't easy -- there's many a day when I'd rather watch tv than do my second run, or stay in bed for an extra hour instead of heading out for a hard session. But in order to believe in myself and to have full confidence in my abilities when I step on the starting line, I turn off the Netflix, stop hitting the snooze, and lace up my shoes. I'm doing everything I can so that I can feel good about betting on myself.


But training hard and doing all the little things -- eating right, getting enough sleep, icing etc -- doesn't always guarantee a successful race. You can prepare all you want, but without a clear head on your shoulders, your race is likely doomed from the start. And as of late, my head has been far from clear... I've let my doubts and insecurities foil many a workout and ruin many a race. Knowing the negative thoughts going through my head, there's NO WAY I'd bet on myself for a successful race. And what kind of attitude is that? Well, a crappy one.


After my less-than-stellar performance at USA XC back on February 5th, where I ran great for 3k and then had a pity party for the last 5k, I had a bit of a wake-up call. I realized that if I'm really gonna do this professional running thing, I've got to be all in. I've been 100% committed in many aspects of my life - but in terms of believing in myself, let's just say I haven't been my own biggest fan. This is something I've battled for a while -- over the years I've had many a coach believe in me faaaar more than I've believed in myself. Someway, somehow, I always find a way to doubt myself. At USA's, the doubt won big-time, and it took all I had to just finish the race and not drop out.

But if I'm going to move forward as a runner, I have to leave all that self-doubt in the past. No more feeling sorry for myself, no more negative self talk, no more giving up. I've got to believe in myself, have faith in my training, push through it when my mental toughness wears thin, and run with confidence. As I said, USA's was a wake-up call for me, so in the 2 weeks since the race, I've been working on my attitude and trying to be positive positive positive. 



Toward that aim, I'm making strides -- this week I had an awesome fartlek workout and solid mile repeats. The workouts themselves were great -- an 11 mile day, with 6 X 3 minutes on, 90 second active recovery built in the middle of the run; and 5 X mile repeats with 3 minutes rest. Both days were quality efforts and indicate that I'm much fitter than I was a year ago. But what I'm most pleased with is my mental approach to both workouts. I stayed mentally strong through the very last repeat, maintaining composure and not letting any nagging doubts creep in. I won't go as far as to say that I ran aggressively -- I didn't run like I was going for the win. But I did run with determination, like I wasn't going to let anyone pass me in the final straightaway... and that's a start. 


So for this week at least: Kaitlin - 1, Paralyzing self-doubt - 0. As my brother Brendan would say, "See ya, self-doubt!"

Age 24 -- take more risks, run with joy

Tomorrow -- 1/31/2011 -- is my 24th birthday. I'm a HUGE fan of birthdays, holidays, etc... I love pretty much any day that gives me a reason to celebrate with family and friends. I kicked off my birthday last week with high school friends in Vegas and last night enjoyed dinner and drinks with about 20 of my closest friends. As the doorbell rang again and again and as more and more friends trickled in, I couldn't help but feel incredibly blessed and loved. And then today, on my last run as a 23-year-old, my good running buddy Alexa and I watched the waves crash across the sand as we ran along Baker Beach, with the Golden Gate glimmering in the setting sun... Celebrating with wonderful friends and running joyfully along the Pacific coast was the PERFECT way to start off this next year of my life :)

As with the New Years resolutions that come every January 1, I like to do some self-evaluation and goal-setting with the coming of a new year of life. A new age is a clean slate of sorts -- this year will be whatever I make of it. So, here's what I hope to accomplish in the next 365 days:

--Run a top-24 time in the 10k.
24 women will toe the line in Eugene at the 2012 Track & Field Olympic Trials, and I plan on being one of them. Times run between now and mid-June 2012 will count for qualification. For the 2008 Olympic Trials, the "A" Standard for women was 32:45 and the "B" Standard was 34:00. Last spring I ran 34:01 for 10k and my time ranked 50th in the nation in 2010: http://www.usatf.org/statistics/topMarks/2010/outdoorTF/women.asp. The 24th-place time was 33:28. Last year I thought 33:30 was in my wheelhouse, but between a diseased gallbladder and tactical championship 10ks, the race (and the time) never came together. This year I hope to run 33:15 in the 10k, and PR in the 5k (sub-16:00) and 1500 (sub 4:30) as well.

--Take more risks.
In the past year I ran far too many races full of fear. What was I afraid of? you might ask. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid to push myself and make it hurt so much that I might blow sky high or collapse on the track and DNF. I raced hard, but always within a comfort zone. Failing scared me so much that I wasn't willing to take risks that could possibly result in failure, so I played it safe and stayed within a comfort zone. Was I happy with those "comfortable" results? Absolutely not. I'm realizing now that to get where I want to go and achieve my big goals, I have to get uncomfortable, I have to overcome my fears, yes I might fail along the way but the ultimate reward for taking those risks will be worth it. My goal this year is to live by these words: 
"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
and
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

--Run with joy.
In the last 3 months I've rediscovered my love of running and can truly say that I 100% love what I do. Nearly every day I find myself feeling so lucky to run through green parks, along rolling hills, past colorful sunsets and crashing waves... I ask myself, "Is this really my life??" and am always in awe of how blessed I am. This overwhelming feeling of joy has made me a happier runner, which has translated to a faster runner :) I spent a good deal of college struggling to find joy in my running and for the past 2 years I've been rather disappointed in the outcomes. But now, in this new environment surrounded by friends, family, teammates, and supportive coaches, it's impossible to not run joyfully (and hopefully fast too!). In talking about life as a professional runner, a role model of mine put it best: "It's really not that hard when you love what you're doing" -- Magdalena Lewy-Boulet, Olympic marathoner.

Growing a year older means 365 new days for exploration, adventure, and risks. I'm sure to have some ups and downs along the way, but I'm confident that my great support system will help me weather the lows and join in my celebration of the high points.

And speaking of celebrations, I'm off to go turn 24! Here's to a great next year!