Distractions as of late

Running has taken a back seat these past 2 weeks as I had some big non-running things going on in my life, namely interviewing for the Marshall Scholarship for graduate study in the UK. I was incredibly honored to be a finalist for the Marshall and was proud to represent my school, which hasn't had a finalist in quite some time. I was honored, excited, thrilled, but mostly just scared shitless about the final interview (pardon my French, but it's a pretty accurate portrayal of my state of mind...)

I spent the week leading up to the interview studying my butt off -- rereading my honors thesis, catching up on all the latest news in international development, reading articles about empowering poor women in developing countries... not to mention learning about British politics and memorizing everything there is to know about the graduate program I'd applied for...  I trekked back to Davis for a mock interview and holed up in Starbucks frantically going over my resume (the caffeine did wonders for my nerves). At any rate, I thought the actual interview went decently, but I found out this afternoon that I was not one of the 40 students selected as a recipient of the Marshall Scholarship :(

Not gonna lie, I was pretty bummed out this afternoon. I really wanted to this scholarship, and I'd let myself imagine what it would be like to win it... so my "We regret to inform you..." email this afternoon was a bit of a bubble burster. But I'm trying remain positive and see it as a sign that right now, I'm meant to be a runner. At this moment, I'm not meant to go to grad school in the UK; I'm meant to be a runner in San Francisco. Up until now, I'm not sure I've completely accepted this identity as a runner -- I've still only been halfway committed to this dream, with things like the Marshall or other "what ifs" lingering in the background as possible life paths. But now, all the uncertain "other" life options are fading away and running is moving back into center stage. For the first time in a while, I know definitively what I'm going to be doing for the next 20 months of my life -- living in SF, working, and most importantly, training as a professional runner. It's refreshing to have some clarity and I'm motivated to now fully commit myself to this running goal.

I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine and a schedule with my training; I take confidence from looking back at training logs with weeks of uninterrupted training and lots of miles, and I've got nothing but running ahead of me for a few weeks. With nothing else to focus on but my daily workouts, I'm excited to live the runner's lifestyle of run, eat, sleep, run again, eat more, sleep more... :)

I also want to be sure to give a big thank you to everyone who has been so supportive these past few weeks as I've navigated the Rhodes and Marshall scholarship application processes. Many, many thanks to Avi, my family, countless professors and coaches who wrote my letters of rec, Mark Foncannon in the UCD Scholarship Office, Dr. Paul Salitsky with UCD Sports Psych, and great friends like Brooke, Hannah, Becca, Kristen, and Fitz -- your support means the world! <3

And finally -- some pictures from a recent run near the Golden Gate Bridge -- I took my iphone with me on the run and got these photos of the sunset over the Pacific Ocean :)

 Start of my run, by the Golden Gate Bridge

 Sunset over Baker Beach

And this is why I love training in SF!

"Run often and run long, but never outrun your joy of running."
-Julie Isphording, Marathon winner

Race the field, not the clock

Earlier this week Southwest Airlines was having a ridiculously good sale, which led me to book a number of flights for the coming months. One flight was to San Diego for a whopping $81 roundtrip – absurdly cheap! I’ll be flying to San Diego to compete at the USA Cross Country National Championships on February 5. Last year I traveled to Spokane, Washington to compete in the same race, where I finished 22^nd. Going to Spokane was a good experience for me – I raced against the best women in the United States and got exposed to a whole new level of running. USA’s in Spokane was a good introduction to the world beyond collegiate running, and although I would have loved to have cracked the top 20, I was still satisfied with my race. The 8K race was my first race since coming off of a stress reaction in my shin, which I suffered in October 2009. Since I didn’t have XC eligibility that fall, and had red-shirted the 2009 track season, it had been over a year since I had raced in uniform. My long hiatus from racing was slightly evident, however my competitive spirit hadn’t died. In the final 800 meters of the race, I began a long kick to try to catch an opponent, and in the final meters of the race I caught her, a long-time friendly rival (she’s a good friend who’ll be debuting in the marathon in January – go girl!!). Despite the long break, my will to compete, to race, to gut it out was still alive.

Yet somewhere between that race in Spokane and the middle of track season, I lost my ability to compete and just race. Somewhere along the way, I got caught up in the splits, the school records, the rankings… and I forgot how to be a competitor. Instead of being that runner who digs deep and passes someone in the final meters of a race, I became a scared runner, racing against the clock instead of the field, running terrified like a deer in the headlights. Scared of what? I’m still trying to figure that one out… scared of failure, I guess… I’m still working on this one with my sports psychologist, Dr. Paul.

Once a confident, self-assured racer, someone who you could count on to come up big when it mattered, I had instead become my own worst enemy, letting my self-doubt take over and overshadow my ability to simply compete. During the track season, I wasn’t racing to beat people, I was racing to break records and run PRs, and I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself about it. I let the pressure get to me and ultimately caved. I ended my career at UCD without a school record; I own the #2 All-Time positions in the 3k, 5k, and 10k, but have no school record to my name. I can’t help but wonder that if I’d thrown out all the thoughts about school records and instead just raced people and competed, then maybe the fast time would have taken care of itself…

Anyway, back to USA’s… last year in Spokane I was a competitor – I raced with a competitive drive and will to win. That’s the type of runner I want to be, and I’m excited to test myself in San Diego at USA’s this year. I plan to race a few times between now and then – hopefully a Turkey Trot or something in the next month, maybe a road race in December, and a tune-up race in January before the big event in February. During these tune-ups, I hope to duke it out with the men on the roads, race in a low-key, pressure-free environment, and simply practice being a competitor (and hey, maybe win some prize money in the process…!). 

In the meantime, I’m looking forward to running the dirt trails near Cleveland, Ohio, enjoying the fall colors, watching the Giants dominate in the World Series, and spending Halloween with the love of my life :)